Porker Jokes

Business as usual at the Mirage

In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one pussy-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my fucking wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherfucker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."

Submitted by David Pitts

A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a hand would hold up
Thanks to that no good, no fold-em, idiot louse!

His stacks grew higher
Mine waned towards the felt
Now this S.O.B. has put me on TILT!

"CHIPS" cried the dealer
As I fumbled for cash
We were at war
Me and this little, river rat, 2-6 offsuit playing ASS!

When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a pocket full of aces to bring me good cheer!
"RAISE" called the maniac, "RE-RAISE" I cried
"CAP" he hissed, with all hands still alive.

An 8-way pot at limits 6 and 12
Deeper into this story we shall now delve...
I flopped my Ace, this much is true
But little did I know he was holding two-two.

Heads up betting had me calling "All-In"
But there was no doubt that the best hand would win!
A two on the flop gave me no dismay
I was busily counting chips that would soon come my way.

The board paired on fourth street, giving me the nuts I assumed
And turned over my Aces for his eyes to consume.
He paused just a moment before "2!!" he did call...
And Miraculously.....................................................the
case deuce on the river did fall

"Nice Catch" I muttered, editing my initial reply
Where I'd tell this guy off, instead yelled "REBUY!"
While up in chips with these massive stacks
Maniac forgot to protect them and eventually gave them all back.

Within three hours I heard him mutter "all-in"
Head hung, defeated, he'd committed a pocker sin
I raised on the button for "protection" (I lied)
Just wanted it heads up to restore my pride.

Burning and turning the board soon displayed
I'd caught an ace on the river to his dismay.
As he turned to go, I said (rather snobby)

"Merry Christmas! Oh and my book is for sale in the lobby!"

Submitted by Diane A. Monds

"The Good, The Bad, And The Just Plain Icky"
(with apologies to every serious poet in the world)

Dame Fortune smiled o'er me
(At least, I thought it 'twas a smile)
Her favor seemed to glide across my stacks
Like the early morning sunlight
Over Yucca Mountain.

The light bulbs glistened upon the shine
Of the months of grime and sweat and shame
Which had laminated themselves into the grain
Of my red Bellagio cheques.

"Raise," the foul villain in Seat Three snarled
And I peeked once again at my black aces. I glared
At my foe, I smiled, I laughed (A tell, you say?),
Then looked to the man in the cheap bowtie,
"Raise again," I said, pushing stacks before me.

The dealer burned, the dealer flopped,
(And belched and coughed), then flopped the cards
With three to the middle. Ace, king, jack -- all red.
Two hearts. Would Dame Forture deign to break mine own?

The bad dude in Three could not hide his glee [the obligatory rhyme]
And threw his money before him
As though it had no meaning. And indeed,
Time had also lost all meaning of its own.
[As has this poem. But anyway ...]

I thought. I cried. I lamented my fate.
Yet I knew he could not yet have me beat ...
I finally called the bluffing bastard.
(Or at least I hoped it was thus
'Cause I just can't let my top set go.)

Turn came black -- trey clubs! O joy!
O frabjous day! [wait, that's been done]
He checked. I raised the mutha, to the max.
And then ... sumbitch raised me back.

Turn was -- king clubs! I got the nuts!
Unless ... no no, can't be;
But Seat Three did bet and I did sweat.
'Twas a large bet to me.

The board was paired, which made me fill;
I knew there was but one way to lose.
"What are the odds against?", I sighed,
And raised the prick all-in.

"Turn 'em up", the dealer said ...

.......

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy at Bellagio ...
The bastard sucked me out.

(and no bad-beat jackpot, on top of that)

PokrDude
Could someone please explain Omaha to me?
Surely.

What you do is get four cards. Doesn't matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river. Same betting scenario as before. Doesn't really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports.) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and and the winning hand is usually found out after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah,,,sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again. Fun game.

Submitted to RGP by BobA928674@aol.com on 11/5/98

Proper Porker Etiquette in Cardrooms

>From: user@aol.com

>Hello to all.
>
>I am planning a trip to Las Vegas soon, and have never played porker there
>before. Could anyone suggest a book or better yet an internet resource that
>would fully explain the proper etiquette involved in playing the game in a
>casino environment?

No need for that! I will explain fully.

First, when you win a pot you should gloat loudly and tell your opponent how badly he played. Always be sure to tell everyone how well you play and your strategy for winning. Always explain in great detail why you make the plays you do. Tell your opponents how well you read them and point out every little error.

Secondly, when you lose a pot you should throw the cards at the dealer and in a loud voice complain bitterly to the person that beat you about what a bad player he is.

Third. Always ask for new decks and setups and constantly complain about how the dealer in the box "cold decks" you whenever he deals. Tell the current dealer and everyone at the table you will never play on one of his downs ever again and not only that he can't even deal the cards without making a mistake. Even if he doesn't make a mistake wait patiently for some very minor infraction and then loudly complain about his indiscretions.

Fourth. Don't forget to glare and stare at players and dealers and try to intimidate people with your mean callous disposition. Constantly mutter under your breath, always speaking just loud enough so people can hear the foulest stream of obscenities that you can possibly think of.

Last. When you miss your straight, flush or full house or fail to make two pair when necessary, cry like a little baby about how unlucky you are and how you never catch any cards. Moan and groan about how unlucky you are. Always complain out loud about the odds against your opponent beating you. Never forget to mention that he had only one card in the deck with which to win. Tell everyone how you can never catch a break. Let people know that if it wasn't for the complete morons sitting at this table, you would be winning a lot of money. Tell them that the world sucks, and wonder out loud about how you could be so unlucky. Tell them you are the best player in the room, yet you are still losing to a bunch of idiots that can't even spell porker.

All of the above are acceptable, desirable character traits for partaking in any casino porker activity.

BobA 928674 The nicest guy at the table.

Submitted to RGP by BobA 928674

Universal Pocker

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: : (snicker) Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: : (sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: (groan)
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...

Pack Up

A man came home from a porker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Dog Gone Pocker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Pocker Players are Never Satisfied

A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a porker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.

About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "

The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.

The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"

The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"

The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"

Props are Players Too

That's not necessarily true. I've played with prop players that were absolutely terrible.

Having worked as a prop player in the 70's, I also agree completely with this statement. We had a prop at the Mint who was an absolutely terrible player. A very jovial guy, retired from thirty years with Sears with a good pension. He just wanted something to do. Locals used to complain to the shift boss if he was picked up!....... Another prop was hired at the Mint, came to work the next day, then disappeared for four hours during the middle of his shift. When the shift boss inquired as to his wherabouts, he replied that his luck had not been very good that day playing in the Mint, so he had been across the street playing at the Four Queens!

Gary Learns No Limit Hold'em

Ah, the no limit experience. Makes me recall the time I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. When I ordered it, I had a few hundred in chips. It was a $20 buyin no limit game. A few minutes later, as I was getting up from my chair, the waitress brings my sandwich. They cost $1.10. She didn't even look at the spot of green felt in front of my chair, she just looked at my face and said, "You can't pay for this, can you?".

Submitted to RGP by gary_carson285@my-dejanews.com (Gary Carson)

Harry Gets A Big Hand

Harry was an avid porker player, bordering on degenerate. He played as often as he could and could hold his own. Unfortunately, he often took his bad beats too seriously and too personal.

One night, after a nine hour session, Harry was dealt four aces and bet a load. George, was a skinny old guy who seemed mostly interested in putting Harry on tilt. George drew three cards and Harry drew one. Harry thought about check raising, but bet $500.00, figuring George would either call or more likely fold.
Instead, George pushed all his chips in the center and said, " I bet two thousand all-in".
Harry couldn't believe his ears and called the bet.
Grinning from ear to ear, Harry said, "Four Aces.", and reached for the chips.
"Not so fast, sonny.", says George. "I've got me a Straight Flush to the jack."

Harry went into shock. After a moment or two, he got up and calmly walked into the bathroom. As he splashed water on his face, he noticed an old straight razor on the shelf beneath the mirror. He calmly reached up and took the razor and slashed both wrists. As he stood there bleeding into the sink, one of the stall doors opened and, Joe, a friend of Harry's walked out.
Upon seeing Harry, Joe said, "Hey, Harry. A bunch of us are going over to Sam's tomorrow for some stud. Wanna go?"

Harry quickly pressed his wrists together, vein on vein, and says, "What time?".

Funny Things heard at the Pocker Table

After a player check raised on an open end straight flush draw with two overcards .... misses, bets out again and gets called by pocket 33 to his King high ....
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to fold the winners?"

Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."

After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me to play yours too!"

After another complicated check raise with open end straight flush draw with overcards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over and doesn't say a word.

Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again. Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 offsuite.

Player #1 "Well, if you didn't have a king you probably would have folded."

Player #2 "Yeah, you're right ... But I thought you had something the way you turned it over real proud."

Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".

Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can't think that fast".